Controlling the Uncontrollable

Well its been while since I last posted on here. I feel its about time to get back to it.

Rather than go back over what has happened in the past year and half since my last post I will just start fresh with the NOW.

I have been a member of the real world for 4 days now. And as I have come to find out real world is rough. I have just moved into my apartment in a cute little Twin Cities suburb to begin my life as an actress. But its amazing how quickly the joy of starting this new adventure quickly turns to the strain of watching dollar signs fill the air. As I signed my lease I felt as Atlas must have felt with the pressures of the world bearing down on him. My landlord soon left after passing me my keys and welcoming me to the building and I stood there frozen in my empty living room. This was my place. This was my new obligation. This was my life. I wanted nothing more in life at that moment than to get back in my still packed car and drive home and curl up with my mom. As I took in my first breath of pure independence I knew as much as my home in Montana seemed to be calling me back I knew I couldn't go back just yet. I unpacked the car and took my first grocery trip, it began to feel more and more like mine.

After my first night, I woke up to silence. Pure silence. A very daunting silence. A silence filled with nothing but anxiety. This was new test: Let the pressure of new life keep me on my blow up mattress or get up and go out in the world and be part of life. This has been the repeated routine for the past few days the only difference is the fear to get up off my bed is less and less and the want to go out into the world is greater and greater. Although most of my time is spent at the local Starbucks going through listings and listings of jobs, I have found my new area is very much like my town in Montana. Wayzata may be just minutes from the hustle and bustle of the cities it has the small town feel that I had grown accustom to living in Cut Bank.

Realizing that my real mortal enemy is money, I decided I was going to take the job hunt into my own hands. Rather than look at listings online I was going to walk around my area and introduce myself to the local businesses and inquire about jobs, even if they didn't have any at least I could be meeting people. So I packed up my computer and exited the Starbucks and walked into Monique Of Switerland Jewlers. I walked in introduced myself, said I was looking for work, and then spent the next hour just chatting with her. I walked out of Monique Of Switerland Jewlers as their new employee. Although it was just part time and I would still need to find one or two more jobs it revived the confidence I had that I was making the right move in moving to the area. I have many MANY applications and emails out to different places and I will continue to submit to places until my goals are met. I have found that the future may be paved with fear and uncertainty but its how we choose to face it that will change it from dirt to gold.

With 50% of my family facing transition, I have called and talked to my parents more on the phone now than ever. It is comforting to hear that although it is hard right now we can always make it better. I have been incredible blessed with parents who not only told me and encouraged me to go after what I wanted but they have put that same idea into practice themselves, with both of them going after things and adventures of their own. In a recent phone conversation with my dad I vented to him my fear of my financial situation, my fear of being on my own and other aspects of my current life. He responded by telling me that you can't be brave without first being a little afraid. Fear is a very dominating force, but it can also be the ignitor to opportunity.

So I may be broke, I may have student loan payments showing up in a matter of weeks, I may have a million other things that are completely out of my control, but I know that the one and only thing that I have control over is myself. And as corny and over used as that statement is, its always nice to be reassured of it. But the fear of what I face tomorrow is the chance to be brave for my future.

Well Starbucks is about to close early since it is Sunday, and I have to go prep for an audition. Till next time!